How to Create Positive Change at Home Without Waiting on Your Spouse

How to Create Positive Change at Home Without Waiting on Your Spouse === Introduction: The Tiny Trigger --- [00:00:00] Welcome to the I'm your host, Pesa, and today we'll be talking about how to create a positive change at home by becoming the trigger, a positive trigger, in your marriage and also in your family. Let's get into it The other day, something really tiny, I don't even remember what it was, but something really tiny set me off, so this wasn't a big blow up. There was no argument, but it's one of those life little moments. At home, with, kids running around dishes on the counter. my wife Whitney finishing something on her phone. Just one of those moments where the house has its own energy. And then I felt myself reacting and the [00:01:00] reaction was an act. Did not really match what was actually happening. So at that moment, I caught myself and I asked myself why did that bother me? why did I get that reaction? Why did that get a reaction out of me? Understanding Triggers in Marriage --- And this question set me down this long train of thoughts. About triggers? Yes, I've read about triggers. we all talk about triggers and most of the time when we talk about triggers, especially in marriage, we always mean something negative. that triggered me, this annoyed me. that made me short with my wife. Basically, we view triggers as something negative. And something to be avoided. The Realization: Becoming the Trigger --- But in the middle of all this noise, all this confusion in my home, this thought hit me. What [00:02:00] if, what if instead of being triggered by everything around me, I became the trigger. Just hear this out. I became the positive trigger. Instead of just being triggered by everything that was going on around me, so I'm not the trigger for frustration or tension, but the trigger for more, for more closeness, the trigger for more peace in the home, the trigger that shifts the whole energy in the room. And for this time, I've always had these great ideas of becoming a better dad or a better husband, but for some reason this just hit a little bit different because it didn't feel a tip or a strategy. It really felt it'll change. It's literally a new way of seeing my role as a husband and a father. just hit. How Environment Shaped Me --- So, because [00:03:00] for a long time I didn't even realize how much the environment shaped me, So if my girls were loud and they were bouncing off the walls, my patient always will grow thinner. And if I came home and I'm tired, and dinner was running late, I felt tense, tense up. And if I came home from work and the house wasn't calm and work had drained me, I would bring that drained energy right into the evening. This was going on without even me realizing. So if Whitney was quiet, maybe, she was just tired, I would assume that something was wrong. And sometimes if either of us grabbed our phones. Just quote unquote to check on something in the evening. [00:04:00] Suddenly the whole evening slipped away. Literally, it's we became zombies and none of this was intentional for most of us and for us too. This was real life. the kids, the schedule, the noise, the responsibility. Homework, all this, this was the rhythm of our home. But what I'm trying to say here is without even noticing, this rhythm was controlling me. And that's the part I think a lot of husbands and a lot of wives can relate to because you are really not trying to be distant. You are really not trying to be frustrated. It is just you are just reacting to everything that's happening around you, It's just, you're just reacting. You are just living your life. You are just alive, you are not being a zombie. You are [00:05:00] literally things are happening and you are reacting. What I Really Wanted --- So what I really wanted was pretty simple because on the outside I wanted a home where even with the chaos of raising our girls, Whitney and I, we should have our moments of connection. That's what I really wanted. with all this confusion and chaos going on, we should still have that. Our moments of connection and feel we are still a couple, A home where we were not just always rushing on or reacting, but actually slowing down together, even if it's just for five minutes and just to feel we are still a couple. And on the inside, I really felt this desire, this desire was really running deep. I wanted to feel the love in our marriage didn't get lost under the noise of our daily life. 'cause I've heard so many stories and also read books and stuff where I know during this [00:06:00] season of raising kids, it's so easy to. Drift apart. That's why can hear a lot of people when they're getting divorced, they will say that we just drift apart and the love wasn't there anymore. So this is a real issue, And I wanted to feel I was showing up intentionally. So not just surviving the daily routine. I really wanted to be a husband who would be present And not distracted, A father who brought stability in the home, not when he walks in. There's just so much tension. And a man who would let his environment decide what version of him his family got to see that day. If work was stressful, they get a different version. If he, another driver, there was some road rage on his way home or traffic, on 1604, which is a big [00:07:00] highway here in San Antonio. If there was a lot of traffic, they get a different version. I really wanted peace in my home, more connection. And I also wanted to build a home where love actually sets the tone, not what's going on, the noise that should not be setting the tone in my home. Yes, I wanted that, but but as much as I keep trying to change. I really felt that without yes, most of the time I was trying to change, but I felt that without changing how I showed up, this is not gonna work. Because I had tried so many tactics to change, being nice, smiling more, all those things. But I started to realize that how I. Things will not change unless I change how I showed up to my in my home. So I was because what was happening here was without knowing I was waiting [00:08:00] for the kids, for my girls to settle down, I was waiting for my kitchen to be clean. I was waiting for my work to feel lighter. I was waiting for my evening to go smoother before I can do anything, waiting for Whitney to be in a certain mood before I matched it. Basically what I was doing, I was, I let everything in my environment go first, then I followed, and the emotional cost. In a way, it actually was making me more powerless. I was feeling more powerless. It's the tone of my life wasn't something that I could influence, I was just reacting to whatever day, whatever the day threw at me. It was the husband and the father I wanted to show up. will only show up when everything around me was [00:09:00] calm. And as you, if you've raised kids, you know that you'll wait for a long time for everything to be calm. Before, you will be calm too. So in a way that felt wrong, I really felt small. And it's I knew something had to shift. I just knew. The Shift: Taking Control --- And so for me, my realization came that what if I became the trigger? So not the house triggering me, not my kids' energy triggering me. Not whether if my wife was tired or upbeat or she's going through a bad day triggered me. What if I decided that I'll be the one who's setting the tone? What if I stopped matching the environment and I started shaping it? That's a different way of thinking. So instead of just waiting for everything to calm down, what if I'm the one who [00:10:00] came into the house with and brought in the calmness, instead of just waiting for me and my wife to connect me and Whitney to feel that feeling of connection. What if I'm the one who created that connection Now. It doesn't seem a lot, but the shift was very powerful. Suddenly, the whole thing wasn't about, the whole thing wasn't controlling me. I wasn't a victim of it anymore. I literally, I felt I was leading with intention and I could do something about it. And once I saw that could, once I saw that I couldn't go back. To the old way of thinking because I literally saw that, that I had the power and I was not a victim to my environment. Experimenting with Change --- And so, but what I did is I decided to start experimenting with it because [00:11:00] I just wasn't sure. just, I was I'm not gonna talk about this. I'm not gonna preach it. I'm not gonna do my usual things because the more I preach about it and talk about it, I've done this. most of the time it's oh, here we go. Dad has a new idea. So what I did is, so instead of hoping that the nighttime routine would be smoother, I started to show up calmer. Even the girls, even if the girls were bouncing around, I would just more, some of these things I would just let go. So also, instead of zoning out on my phone, especially when I was, I had a hard day at work or I would pretty much stressed out, I would literally put it away and sit next to Whitney, even if it was just for a few minutes. Because I'm just, what I'm trying to do here is I wasn't hoping for connection. I was trying to make room for it, I was gonna [00:12:00] make room for it and maybe it was something small helping the girls wind down. For bed or making the room feel more peaceful or just giving Whitney a long hug instead of rushing to the next task. But so I literally started doing these things quietly. So in a way, I was quietly becoming the trigger I know I was doing, but it was quiet. The Results and Challenges --- Now, as you might have guessed, something happened and things started shifting in my home, The girls became more they calmed down more quickly because I also was calm, and I also felt the house was less chaotic because I wasn't feeling the chaos. I wasn't even feeding the chaos and Whitney was more relaxed because I [00:13:00] feel I brought a different energy into the room. Now, I'm not saying this was magic, or I'm not gonna pretend it was perfect because you know, this is real life, This is real life, and it was hard. Lemme tell you the truth, there were days where it was hard days where the girls were still wild and I was still tired and everything in me wanted to back in the old habits. So I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not gonna say this is gonna be easy. And there was so many days where I felt why am I the only one who has to be calm, who has to be the calm one? There was days where being intentional felt I was literally swimming upstream, There were moments where really wanted the house to change first because that made so much sense, Where I wanted Whitney to go first. Mostly there was some days where I you know [00:14:00] what, does this even really matter? Yeah. I sympathize when kids are little, younger than that. Yeah. When they are two, three, when they're crying, they don't understand what you're doing. That really tests your patience. so every time I hit the resistance, something in me will say is this the version? Of yourself that you respect? Is this the man that you want your girls to remember? this the one that you want when they're telling their stories, when they grow up to remember the dad who comes home and yells, or the dad who's calm, is this the husband that I want to be for Whitney? And that really kept me in the game, even when things were not easy. And the change wasn't very dramatic, but it was super powerful because all of a sudden our evenings started to feel lighter and there was more connection. Even in small pockets of time, [00:15:00] there was more laughter with the girls. There was more closeness between me and Whitney, even if the house was still messy and still loud. The house didn't magically become quiet and the kids didn't magically or suddenly become quiet, calm, life didn't suddenly simplify. But when I changed, because I brought a tone that changed, and the shift that I created in this new space in our home had not existed before. So I wasn't reacting anymore, and this is what I'm trying to, to say here, that I became somebody who doesn't react, but they were leading by presence and being more intentional. So I became the husband who actually creates the connection instead of waiting for it, Complimenting without [00:16:00] even waiting to feel I need to compliment the dad who brings stability. Yeah. The man who sets the emotional temperature in the home instead of just absorbing it because. My old belief that I'm now, that I think about it was I basically act this way because of what happened around me. I act this way because of what happened around me, but my new belief now, it's going to, it's basically I'm the one who sets the tone for myself and my family. Stepping into this identity didn't just change moments. Actually, it changed me, and this is why it's so hard because we have to go through that growth phase to become this new person without any guarantees. Questions for You --- So let me talk to you directly for a [00:17:00] second if you are going through this. So, where in your home do you feel the environment is actually Steering you around mood, driving you around. So is it kids' energy, your schedule, you are stressed, your wife or your wife or your husband? Mood. Do these things pull your reactions? They just pull the reactions out of you automatically, you are triggered. Where do you feel stuck in a pattern where you, you just didn't choose intentionally, so what would you to shift so that you can become the trigger in a positive way? Not the trigger for tension, but the trigger for more connection. So not the person who just reacts to the noise of life, but the one who actually brings in more intentionality to this. Okay? Final Thoughts and Call to Action --- And this is not about. [00:18:00] adding more guilt. But it's just, it's the possibility. Think about it. It's just the possibility that you can be the trigger because sometimes the biggest challenge a marriage and inner family. Doesn't come from fixing anything, but sometimes it comes from deciding who you are gonna be in that moment. So you are not fixing, you are, the kids are still loud, but who are you going to be in that moment when you are having that? You're not fixing, you're still gonna have that argument. But who are you gonna be in that argument? Is the argument gonna trigger a crazy side of you? Or is the argument gonna trigger somebody who's calm and actually listens to your spouses, to your spouse's side of you? Maybe they're really tired, So next time, show up with intention. Bring that tone you want to [00:19:00] live in. Remember, you can be the trigger. And that's a wrap of today's episode I'm your host, Pesa, reminding you that you have the power to set the tone in your home. You can be the positive trigger for your family needs. And if this episode spoke to you, share it with your spouse and leave us a review. And until next time, bye and God bless