When Your Mother and Your Wife Give You Two Different Answers, Who Do You Obey? (S2 E2)

When His Mother and Your Wife Give You Two Different Answers, Who Do You Obey? === [00:00:00] Welcome to the Live Your Best Marriage podcast, where cross-cultural Christian couples learn to stop fighting each other and start facing the world together. So if you feel torn between your spouse and your family, start by taking the United Front Quiz at liveyourbestmarriage.com/quiz. That's  liveyourbestmarriage.com/quiz. to see exactly where your marriage is vulnerable to family and cultural pressure. I'm your host, Pesa Shayo, and let's jump in The Real Problem --- Almost every couple I talk to thinks their big problem is the in-laws. You know, the phone calls, the opinion, the visits that take too long. But really, that's not the problem. The real problem shows up in those tiny moments, in the moments like when a man hears two different answers, one from his mother and another one [00:01:00] from his wife, and he has to pick. And whoever he picks, he feels like he's betraying the other one So you may not have words for that moment yet, but you have lived it, and so have I Now Let me take you back a few years. This was like a slow Sunday afternoon. The house smelled like food, and my mother was visiting. Whitney was in the kitchen, moving between the stove and the table with one of the little girls hanging on her leg So the plans for the next day came up, something simple. Whitney and I had already talked through it the night before, and we had a plan Then my mother said something different And she said it in a way in a way that mothers say things. Like, it's not a question, but it's a decision that has already been made. And I felt the room go quiet, you know, because [00:02:00] I know I had two answers, my wife's and my mother's, and they didn't match So I looked at Whitney And she wasn't looking at me. She just kept stirring the pot, but her shoulders had gone stiff. She was waiting, not to hear what my mom wanted She already knew that. She was waiting to hear what I would do And do you know what I did? I smiled, I made a little joke to break the tension, and then I went with my mother's plan Right there in our kitchen in front of our children, I quietly handed our decision over to my mom And I told myself at that time that I was keeping the peace But that night Whitney was far away. a wall of cold air was on her side of the bed And when I asked her what was wrong, she just said five [00:03:00] words That I've never forgotten She said, "I never know where I stand." So what I didn't realize was this, Whitney wasn't upset about the plan for Monday. The plan didn't matter to her as at all she had asked a silent question. That question that every wife is asking, " Am I first or am I just another voice you have to manage?" And my silence in the kitchen gave her the answer, and it gave her the wrong answer I thought a good son and a good husband finds a way to please both his mother and his wife And here's the crack in that belief. You can't serve two number ones. The moment you try to put two people first, you already have put your wife second So By the end of this episode, you are going to see why, "Who do I [00:04:00] obey?" is the wrong question, and there is a better question to ask For a lot of us, especially those who grew up where saying no to your parent felt like a sin, honoring your mother and father wasn't just a Bible verse. It was the air we breathed, and that's not all bad. There's something beautiful about a culture that respects its elders Honor vs. Obey --- But somewhere along the way, two ideas got glued together that were never the same. We took honor and we took obey, and we treated them like one word So here's a whole episode in one breath. Honor and obey are not the same thing So when you are a child, God called you to obey your parents. My girls obey me, and they should because they are children and I am the [00:05:00] father. But the Bible says something changes when you get married. A man leaves his father and mother and holds fast to his wife, and the two become one flesh. Leave and cleave Now, the word LEAVE is not cruel You don't stop honoring your parents You honor your mother and father until the day they close their eyes for the last time. That never ends. But you stop obeying them like a child because you are not a child anymore. You are a husband building a new home, and God put you in charge of protecting it. And here is the order, and I want you to hear this as a couple. And the order is God first, then your spouse, then your children, and then your extended family. Your mother has an honored place in that line, But she's not the front of [00:06:00] the line. Your wife is And wives, hear me. This is not a free pass to treat your mother or your mother-in-law badly When your husband puts you first, it should be that you are kinder to his mother, not meaner. Because now you are not fighting for your spot anymore. You already have it Let me pause because I have a feeling that this is hitting home for somebody. Has this ever happened to you? Maybe you are the husband who froze. Maybe you are the wife who went quiet. Now grab your phone, record a short memo, maybe one to two minutes, and email it to [email protected], which is L-I-V-E yourbestmarriage.com Tell me your first name, or you can stay anonymous, and, tell us what this episode help you see. And by sending us a voice memo, you are giving us permission to share it on the [00:07:00] podcast,if you want us to keep it anonymous, just let us know.just find a quiet room, hold the phone close, and talk to me like we are having coffee, and let us know how this e-episode has impacted you so far Okay, let's get back to it The Right Question --- if who do I obey is the wrong question, so what's the right one? So the right question is What did my spouse and I decide together before anyone else walked into the room? Let that sink in. It's not, "Should I obey my mom? Should I not obey?" Like, no. What did my spouse and I decide together before anyone else walked into this room So here's what I got wrong in the kitchen. The problem didn't start when my mother gave me her plan. It started the night before when Whitney and I made a plan, [00:08:00] but deep down, I hadn't decided that ours was the real one. I left a crack open, and family pressure doesn't break down doors. It finds that crack and slides through it. When you decide together first, and you both treat it as settled, you walk into the room already united. You are not making the decision in front of your mother You already made it. Now you are just delivering the decision And the way you deliver it matters. You don't say, "Uh, Mom, you know, you are wrong." You don't point fingers. You don't say, "Hey, Mom, you are wrong." You don't say that. What you say is like, "Mom, we already talked about it, and this is what we are going to do." Notice the word, not I or not Whitney wants us to go somewhere. You say, [00:09:00] "We already decided." Because now your mother isn't arguing with her son. She's looking at a married couple that already agree. There's nothing to pry apart. The crack has already been s- closed That little word does so much. We tells your mother or any other family member you love her and you are not moving We tells your wife that you are not standing alone. and it sets your mother free too, because she doesn't have to manage your marriage. She gets to be just a grandma, which is a gift to her Now, I wish I could go back to that Sunday. I'd find Whitney's eyes first and let her see that I already knew where I stood. Then I would turn to my mom with all the love and respect that she has already earned and [00:10:00] say, "Mama, we've already decided. Here is the plan." Same love for my mother, zero loss of love for my wife And that's the united front Lead With We --- So here's what I'll leave you with. The next time you feel that frozen, cornered feeling, don't ask, "Who do I obey?" Ask, " What did we decide together first?" If the answer is nothing, that's your real problem. It has nothing to do with your in-laws. Go close that gap with your spouse tonight before the next Sunday comes. Remember, honor your parents always. Cleave to your spouse first. Lead with we That's how you stop being the rope in a tug-of-war and start facing the world together Thanks for listening to the Live Your Best Marriage podcast. If today's [00:11:00] episode hit home, don't just go back to normal. Find out where your marriage really stands. Take the free United Front Quiz at Live Your Best Marriage, which is L-I-V-EYourBestMarriage.com/quiz It just takes a few minutes, and you will see where you are strong, where you're exposed, and your next best step towards living a true united front. Again, that is liveyourbestmarriage.com/quiz, and I'll see you there. Bye and God bless